Getting Called Out And Looking Inward.

Reflection of myself and letting go of the fear of being accepted.

How many times has this happened to you?

Someone pays you a compliment and you deflect it by complimenting them back or shrugging it off as no big deal?

How many times have you asked someone how their day was; not really being interested in knowing, but just to make conversation?

How often have you been the person who was asked how their day was and breezed over it by saying “it was good” or “I am good”? Because you don’t want to appear like you’re a whiner or you don’t have your shit together?

I did this today. And thank goodness I have a good friend who questioned me about it and made me stop and think.

I like to appear like I’ve got all my shit together; but honestly I don’t. I still worry if I am saying the right thing to the right person or if what I’ve said will upset someone. That’s the part of me that I need to work on some more. It doesn’t matter if what I say isn’t like by everyone; I have the right to my own thoughts and opinions. Those people who are genuine and true will love me for who I am. The rest can go take a hike.

I need to learn to get comfortable in the silence; the awkwardness of no conversation. (Thanks for the reminder of this too Paul).

I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok. So instead of trying to fill the silence with surface conversation; I will be more aware of what I am saying and who I am saying it to. No more fluff. If I ask you how your day is; it’s because I really want to know. If I compliment you; it’s because I want to, not because I expect one in return.

I will also work on accepting compliments without deflecting them. This is going to be a true challenge for me. And I challenge the rest of you to do the same.

Get comfortable sitting in an awkward silence. Practice saying a simple “Thank You” and nothing more when someone compliments you.

I am here raising my hand, owning my own shit and admitting I am still PERFECTLY IMPERFECT and always a work in progress.

Thank you April for holding up the mirror for me today. You are a true friend and blessing.

Being Present

How many times have I been in a conversation with someone and realize that I’ve only been half listening? Has that ever happened to you? Someone is talking to you and at some point you’ve completely stopped listening only to be brought back to reality when you realize they are staring at you, expecting an answer to the question they just asked you. Instead of admitting you weren’t listening, you answer with a nod or a yes, praying it was a yes or no question and that you would’ve really answered yes if you were listening.

I compare my mind to my computer; I’ve always got at least 10 tabs open so I can easily jump back and forth from one thing to another. Am I really giving 100% to any one of those tabs? Not a chance.

So I’ve decided to slow down once again. To try to do one thing at a time. I say try because this will be a big challenge for me, but one I am up to for sure. I used to have an amazing memory, I wouldn’t forget a thing. Lately I’ve been forgetful and I know it’s because I’m not truly present in each moment.

My mind is always looking ahead to what’s next, what task needs to be caught up, what fire do I need to put out.

I no longer want to “brag” about how busy I am and that if only I could find a free minute I could take a breath. I can control that. I can set better boundaries. It’s not easy for me to do, but in order for me to slow down, I need to STOP saying YES the everything and everybody and START saying YES to me.

Part of this journey for me is to learn to put myself first without feeling guilty. It’s a hard part, but it’s needed and deserved.

I can’t pour from an empty cup, I can’t be present and focused with 10 tabs always open. So tonight, I’m shutting this tab down early and getting some much needed sleep.

Until tomorrow….

Day 30 Accountability Challenge

I did it. 30 days down. It’s not the end, in fact I’ve realized it’s time for me to get out of my own way!

I realized this morning (or should I say I admitted) I’ve been my own obstacle for such a long time. Sure there have been outside influences that have affected some of the choices I’ve made, but overall the resounding brick to the face moment made me admit that it’s me.

I have the power to make the choices I need to move to the next level. I have let fear stall me for too long. Fear is a LIAR. The little gremlins in my head have been noisy for too long.

Growth is on the other side of fear. I’ve got a tremendous support system that won’t let me down. It’s time I take the leap and trust that the net will appear.

Fear tries to tell me that I won’t be strong enough or fit enough to keep running. I say to that fear; I already am.

Fear tries to tell me I won’t be a good enough Catalyst Life Coach. I tell that fear that I am already a hell of a Catalyst Life Coach.

Fear tries to tell me that I can’t remove this lack mentality when it comes to money. Fear can take a hike.

I’ve put the ball into play. I’m taking action to achieve my goals. I am trusting that as I leap the net will appear.

Join me in this next phase of telling fear to fuck off. Let’s take this walk into the unknown and let’s leap together. I promise I’ll be standing right beside you every step of the way.

Day 28 Accountability Challenge

Two for two. Two days in a row with a structured workout AND good eating. I am feeling great. I am feeling motivated. I started (re-started) running tonight. It’s been over a year since I’ve actually run as part of my “exercise.”  

It felt really good to push my body again. I am posting my daily progress on my Facebook Page. By putting it out there, just as I have put this blog out there, I am helping myself to stay accountable. 

I was never athletic when I was younger. I was in “Drill Team” as a sophomore in High School. I tried to play basketball when I was about 12 maybe and had no idea what I was doing and got yelled at from the Coach and I was done. 

I started running when I was 35. I don’t remember what made me decide to try it, but I remember telling my sisters and brother-in-law I was going to start running. Like it was no big deal. Ha ha. No big deal. Coming from someone who had never run a day in her life. They looked at me like I was going through a mid-life crisis. Which, in reality, I was. 

Running would become a way for me to escape from my everyday thoughts. I became obsessed with it. I downloaded a simple app called C25K and started running; every day. The more I ran, the better I began to feel about myself. I had never been in such great shape physically. I had never felt such pride in myself for doing something that no one thought I would or could do. I was doing it, I was a RUNNER.

My brother-in-law was an athlete and he took it upon himself to become my running/race partner. I ran my first 5K in April 2008, on a cold, wintry day, and I did it! I ran the entire thing!! I was hooked, I didn’t run fast by any means, I think my finish time at that race came in right around 45 minutes. That wasn’t the point, at all. The point was I did it. Something I never thought I could do.

After that, we started finding more 5K races in the area and we ran a half a dozen or so of those before we decided to bump it up to a 10K. I’ll never forget my first 10K either, I came in DEAD LAST, behind a woman who had to have been at least 8 months pregnant. Did it bother me? Not one bit. Because I had run that whole damn course and I didn’t stop. 

After that, we bumped it up to a Half-Marathon. We ran it out in the Black Hills of South Dakota. It started at the Crazy Horse Monument and ran downhill on the Mikkelson Trail. It was October, my favorite time of year, and in the Hills of South Dakota, the weather was perfect, the scenery was even better.

I didn’t run that entire race, about half way through my IT Band started screaming at me. I did, however, find a woman who was a few years older than myself, also doing the run/walk thing I was attempting. A complete stranger, but in that moment, we were connected by a single goal.

She and I finished the race together. I remember turning the corner and seeing the finish line staring at us and we looked at each other and said, we ARE going to finish this, running. And as we grabbed each other’s hand, we ran through that finish line with our hands held high in the air. WE DID IT!

We were complete strangers, I never even got her name, but we were brought together during a moment of empathy and compassion for each other. We were kindred spirits for 6 miles. It was beautiful.

As I remember back to the feeling of finishing that race, holding my hands in the air with a complete stranger, I know that is something I want to feel again. The connection to others going through something that will change their lives in some way. Experiencing that accomplishment together.

So as I re-start my running journey, I think back and smile, remembering that I did it once and I will do it again. And maybe this time, I’ll be someone’s anchor to help them through the pain to the finish line. Holding our hands up and tears running down our faces. Sharing a bond, if only for a few minutes.

Day 28 Accountability Challenge

A couple of big wins for me today. My eating was spot on and I made it to the gym for a 75 minute workout.

Why is it that it’s so easy to NOT work out? Especially when I feel so amazing and accomplished when I am done?

I’m refocused and may turn this 30 Day Challenge into a 60 Day one. I can’t imagine not writing every day now. My head is spinning with ideas and things to talk about and I have to remind myself to slow down and be patient.

On Day 30; I will look back at Day 1 and do a reset. Figure out what worked and what didn’t. The goals I have are pretty concrete- it’s the HOW I get them accomplished that is always changing. And that’s ok, no two days are ever alike and what I thought once might work; didn’t and what I didn’t think would work, just might.

That’s the beauty of it; I get to start, stop, pivot, detour and restart all over again with every morning. I get to find out what works best for me on any given day and I get to change the blueprint as many times as I want.

I get to decide how I want to face my days; and by allowing myself the grace to change my path as often as I need; I am showing myself that no matter what; I am always growing.

As I sit here and think about what tomorrow may look like; I am also thinking that whatever is does look like; I’ll meet head on and make it work for me and not against me. In every struggle or uncomfortable moment, there is a lesson to be learned, growth to be made, and I am ready for more growth.

As I think about the infinite number of possibilities in this life; I open myself up to whatever comes next. I want my light to shine so brightly that others can’t help but absorb some of it to help fuel their own lights.

As I close my eyes, I envision the best version of myself and I smile; knowing that she already exists within me.

Day 22 Accountability Challenge

“Experts” say it takes 21 Days to Make or Break a habit. I’m on Day 22. Here is what I’ve discovered so far.

At first I couldn’t see any progress, but as I took a minute and thought back on the past 22 Days, I HAVE made progress. I’ve blogged every single day, I’ve rambled and shared my thoughts here and for anyone to read. Those thoughts and feelings I shared were real and raw and off the cuff as I felt them.

I’ve allowed myself to show up, no matter how I feel. Positive or negative, I’ve been honest with myself.

I’ve accepted that the best laid plans often go off track and that it’s okay. There is a reason behind everything that happens.

I’ve acknowledged that the vibes and energy I put out are the same types I am receiving. In essence, change my thoughts and change my vibe.

I’ve given myself grace when I’ve not achieved a certain goal. I remember that life changes are a marathon and not a sprint. The best things in life come at unexpected moments and every detour leads me to a new experience and lesson.

I’ve released things that no longer serve me and have given myself permission to not feel guilty about it.

Am I perfect or do I do these things 100% of the time? Hell no! And that is OK! It’s all about the journey, the bumps in the road and the being stuck in the hallways sometimes. We only stay stuck for as long as it takes for us to prepare for what’s next and in the “stuckness” we are being prepared for the level up that is bound to happen. Because, believe me, we won’t stay stuck forever, the only guarantee in life is change. So as long as there is change, we have unlimited amounts of do-overs and restarts.

So tonight as I reflect back on the past 21 Days I am pretty proud of whatever growth I’ve seen in myself and I know I’ll continue to grow and adjust to whatever is next. I welcome the “what’s next” with CLEAR EYES and a FULL HEART and I know I can’t lose.

Day 16 Accountability Challenge

A friend shared with me (thanks, Marisol) that Mercury went into Retrograde on Monday. This means during this time…shit like electronics, technology, travel, and communication are delayed, slowed down, for the next three weeks. Accompanied with an intense Solar eclipse next week on the 21st, we also have residue from the full moon and lunar eclipse energy. Hence, the emotional crap we are feeling or issues that are re-surfacing.

Isn’t that just GREAT!!! I feel like Mercury has been in Retrograde for me for months, lol. I’ve been learning lessons, letting go of things that no longer serve me, and releasing negative emotions. I’ve also been trying to accept the things that aren’t meant for me. It’s hard to not hold onto things that look like they are meant for us, but end up not being. Sometimes ego plays a part in that, actually, that’s alot of time for me.  I want to know the why behind everything. And I want to know now. Remember that patience thing I was talking about?  Yeah, I am still working on that.

Why do we hold on so tight to things we know we should let go, or aren’t good for us? Why can’t we remember that when we let go of the things not meant for us, the things that ARE have room to enter? It’s not until we clear our space of negative or unneeded energy that we can let in positive energy. But dangit, that’s hard to do sometimes.

Life is a constant ebb and flow, receiving and letting go. When we open ourselves to experiences instead of having expectations, we allow ourselves to make new blueprints. We start to erase our past habits and create new ones. That’s what I’ve been doing these 16 days. What started out as a 30 Day Accountability Challenge, has turned into a 30 day AWARENESS Challenge.

By writing every day, I have become more in tune with my thoughts and feelings. I am learning the ebb and flow of my journey and remembering that even the moments I feel don’t happy, I am growing and lessons are being learned. So when I need to release something that isn’t meant for me, and by the way, you might wonder how I know it’s not? I’m listening to my intuition, it never lies (I only choose to ignore it when I think I know better.) When I release it, I am learning to thank the experience for the lesson I received and I welcome new positive energy into my life. So bring it on Universe, I am ready to accept whatever is next.

 

Closing Another Chapter

The sting I feel when a chapter I’ve been resisting to close finally happens is like a slap to the face. I wish I could have been strong enough to let go before it got to this point. It’s been lurking around in my head for weeks, if not months.

Why do we resist letting go of something or someone we know doesn’t any longer serve a purpose in our lives? The signs have been here for months. My instinct when I feel like I no longer have control is to hang on tighter. To cling and to prove something to myself and the other person. To prove I am good enough and worth fighting for. This reminds me of a post I recently read, and it resonated with me at the time, because I am that girl. I am the girl who wants to be chosen. I am the girl who for once, wants someone to pick her over everybody and everything else. I don’t need someone to complete me, but it would sure be nice to have someone compliment me. For someone to be a contrast to me and who isn’t afraid to love hard. Someone who gets what it feels like to always come in second place and wants to make sure they never put another person in the place to feel that way.

My mind knows this was something that moved way to fast to begin with. It was like a fairy tale. I had someone who told me everything I wanted to hear (once again) and I ate it up; not paying attention to the little voice in my head that whispered and sometimes even screamed to slow down. My thoughts replay the whole relationship, maybe I showed my feelings to fast, and maybe I was lonely and looking for someone to fill a void. I told myself I was in control and I wasn’t going to let myself fall and be too vulnerable. I wanted to believe that. But at the end of the day, that’s exactly what I did. I fell, and I let myself be vulnerable. I gave into those feelings of lust, of giddiness. I felt like a school girl. I sent the silly, cute quotes. I texted random texts at random times. I wanted him to feel like he was important, that he mattered. I wanted him to feel what was missing inside of me. I thought if I gave those feelings away, they would come back to me. Isn’t that how the universe works? We get back what we give out?

I sit here, embarrassed that I let myself hold onto hope. I let myself read more into things than I should have, or did I? I expected honesty, I expected respect. That’s not too much to ask. Don’t play with my feelings, when you aren’t sure of your own. Don’t feed me scraps because you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt me. My feelings are torn. On one hand, I know I gave myself freely and I loved unconditionally (or did I?.) I can’t really blame you, can I? You were just as lost as I was, looking for someone to fill a void. How can I point fingers at you, when I did the same thing? The other side of me is mad as hell and embarrassed. How could I let myself cling to you, when you had already left? Where is my self- worth? I go back and forth between understanding it and being hurt and embarrassed. I show up like everything is fine and this won’t bother me a bit. You will never know that I am hurting. I won’t feel like this had any effect on me. When inside I feel like a hot mess.

I know we meet people for specific reasons and every relationship has a purpose. I also know sitting in the hole while trying to see the purpose isn’t easy. I know if I can separate myself from this relationship, I will see the lesson learned and I will remain graceful as I let it go. This release will serve as another lesson learned in this journey called life.

 

Photo/Pixabay