Being Present

How many times have I been in a conversation with someone and realize that I’ve only been half listening? Has that ever happened to you? Someone is talking to you and at some point you’ve completely stopped listening only to be brought back to reality when you realize they are staring at you, expecting an answer to the question they just asked you. Instead of admitting you weren’t listening, you answer with a nod or a yes, praying it was a yes or no question and that you would’ve really answered yes if you were listening.

I compare my mind to my computer; I’ve always got at least 10 tabs open so I can easily jump back and forth from one thing to another. Am I really giving 100% to any one of those tabs? Not a chance.

So I’ve decided to slow down once again. To try to do one thing at a time. I say try because this will be a big challenge for me, but one I am up to for sure. I used to have an amazing memory, I wouldn’t forget a thing. Lately I’ve been forgetful and I know it’s because I’m not truly present in each moment.

My mind is always looking ahead to what’s next, what task needs to be caught up, what fire do I need to put out.

I no longer want to “brag” about how busy I am and that if only I could find a free minute I could take a breath. I can control that. I can set better boundaries. It’s not easy for me to do, but in order for me to slow down, I need to STOP saying YES the everything and everybody and START saying YES to me.

Part of this journey for me is to learn to put myself first without feeling guilty. It’s a hard part, but it’s needed and deserved.

I can’t pour from an empty cup, I can’t be present and focused with 10 tabs always open. So tonight, I’m shutting this tab down early and getting some much needed sleep.

Until tomorrow….

Day 30 Accountability Challenge

I did it. 30 days down. It’s not the end, in fact I’ve realized it’s time for me to get out of my own way!

I realized this morning (or should I say I admitted) I’ve been my own obstacle for such a long time. Sure there have been outside influences that have affected some of the choices I’ve made, but overall the resounding brick to the face moment made me admit that it’s me.

I have the power to make the choices I need to move to the next level. I have let fear stall me for too long. Fear is a LIAR. The little gremlins in my head have been noisy for too long.

Growth is on the other side of fear. I’ve got a tremendous support system that won’t let me down. It’s time I take the leap and trust that the net will appear.

Fear tries to tell me that I won’t be strong enough or fit enough to keep running. I say to that fear; I already am.

Fear tries to tell me I won’t be a good enough Catalyst Life Coach. I tell that fear that I am already a hell of a Catalyst Life Coach.

Fear tries to tell me that I can’t remove this lack mentality when it comes to money. Fear can take a hike.

I’ve put the ball into play. I’m taking action to achieve my goals. I am trusting that as I leap the net will appear.

Join me in this next phase of telling fear to fuck off. Let’s take this walk into the unknown and let’s leap together. I promise I’ll be standing right beside you every step of the way.

Day 28 Accountability Challenge

Two for two. Two days in a row with a structured workout AND good eating. I am feeling great. I am feeling motivated. I started (re-started) running tonight. It’s been over a year since I’ve actually run as part of my “exercise.”  

It felt really good to push my body again. I am posting my daily progress on my Facebook Page. By putting it out there, just as I have put this blog out there, I am helping myself to stay accountable. 

I was never athletic when I was younger. I was in “Drill Team” as a sophomore in High School. I tried to play basketball when I was about 12 maybe and had no idea what I was doing and got yelled at from the Coach and I was done. 

I started running when I was 35. I don’t remember what made me decide to try it, but I remember telling my sisters and brother-in-law I was going to start running. Like it was no big deal. Ha ha. No big deal. Coming from someone who had never run a day in her life. They looked at me like I was going through a mid-life crisis. Which, in reality, I was. 

Running would become a way for me to escape from my everyday thoughts. I became obsessed with it. I downloaded a simple app called C25K and started running; every day. The more I ran, the better I began to feel about myself. I had never been in such great shape physically. I had never felt such pride in myself for doing something that no one thought I would or could do. I was doing it, I was a RUNNER.

My brother-in-law was an athlete and he took it upon himself to become my running/race partner. I ran my first 5K in April 2008, on a cold, wintry day, and I did it! I ran the entire thing!! I was hooked, I didn’t run fast by any means, I think my finish time at that race came in right around 45 minutes. That wasn’t the point, at all. The point was I did it. Something I never thought I could do.

After that, we started finding more 5K races in the area and we ran a half a dozen or so of those before we decided to bump it up to a 10K. I’ll never forget my first 10K either, I came in DEAD LAST, behind a woman who had to have been at least 8 months pregnant. Did it bother me? Not one bit. Because I had run that whole damn course and I didn’t stop. 

After that, we bumped it up to a Half-Marathon. We ran it out in the Black Hills of South Dakota. It started at the Crazy Horse Monument and ran downhill on the Mikkelson Trail. It was October, my favorite time of year, and in the Hills of South Dakota, the weather was perfect, the scenery was even better.

I didn’t run that entire race, about half way through my IT Band started screaming at me. I did, however, find a woman who was a few years older than myself, also doing the run/walk thing I was attempting. A complete stranger, but in that moment, we were connected by a single goal.

She and I finished the race together. I remember turning the corner and seeing the finish line staring at us and we looked at each other and said, we ARE going to finish this, running. And as we grabbed each other’s hand, we ran through that finish line with our hands held high in the air. WE DID IT!

We were complete strangers, I never even got her name, but we were brought together during a moment of empathy and compassion for each other. We were kindred spirits for 6 miles. It was beautiful.

As I remember back to the feeling of finishing that race, holding my hands in the air with a complete stranger, I know that is something I want to feel again. The connection to others going through something that will change their lives in some way. Experiencing that accomplishment together.

So as I re-start my running journey, I think back and smile, remembering that I did it once and I will do it again. And maybe this time, I’ll be someone’s anchor to help them through the pain to the finish line. Holding our hands up and tears running down our faces. Sharing a bond, if only for a few minutes.

Day 28 Accountability Challenge

A couple of big wins for me today. My eating was spot on and I made it to the gym for a 75 minute workout.

Why is it that it’s so easy to NOT work out? Especially when I feel so amazing and accomplished when I am done?

I’m refocused and may turn this 30 Day Challenge into a 60 Day one. I can’t imagine not writing every day now. My head is spinning with ideas and things to talk about and I have to remind myself to slow down and be patient.

On Day 30; I will look back at Day 1 and do a reset. Figure out what worked and what didn’t. The goals I have are pretty concrete- it’s the HOW I get them accomplished that is always changing. And that’s ok, no two days are ever alike and what I thought once might work; didn’t and what I didn’t think would work, just might.

That’s the beauty of it; I get to start, stop, pivot, detour and restart all over again with every morning. I get to find out what works best for me on any given day and I get to change the blueprint as many times as I want.

I get to decide how I want to face my days; and by allowing myself the grace to change my path as often as I need; I am showing myself that no matter what; I am always growing.

As I sit here and think about what tomorrow may look like; I am also thinking that whatever is does look like; I’ll meet head on and make it work for me and not against me. In every struggle or uncomfortable moment, there is a lesson to be learned, growth to be made, and I am ready for more growth.

As I think about the infinite number of possibilities in this life; I open myself up to whatever comes next. I want my light to shine so brightly that others can’t help but absorb some of it to help fuel their own lights.

As I close my eyes, I envision the best version of myself and I smile; knowing that she already exists within me.

Day 27 Accountability Challenge

I am beyond humbled today from the response I received about my Day 26 blog. I wrote from my heart, I relived every moment from 27 years ago and the words poured out.

I am finding myself, again. I am re-inventing myself.  I am shedding the layers that I created over the years to protect myself from hurt, embarrassment, and betrayal. It’s not always a fun journey, but it’s the only way I know how to do this. How to become the best version of myself. The only way out is through. Through sometimes looks like a dark tunnel with a tiny glimpse of light at the end. But I hold onto that light, I know as I keep moving towards it, even at the slowest pace, I am growing.

There are days I stop moving completely, scared to make a decision, or just overwhelmed by all of the possibilities. There are days that I can’t move fast enough, wanting to be “there” already.  But what is “there?”  Why do I have to keep searching for something? Living in the present moment is enough, taking in each breath, each step. Feeling the sun on my face, hearing the laughter of my kids.

So many times I get caught up in wanting to move to the next step, level up. I forget that where I am at the present moment is exactly where I am supposed to be. Living in the present allows me to slow down and enjoy every movement, every connection I make. Slowing down allows me to appreciate the now.

I have to tell myself, out loud sometimes, that I am enough, I am me and there is no one else like me, anywhere. What I can offer this world are my words. I struggle sometimes trying to find my niche in this new life I am creating. I compare myself to others and end up beating myself up. And then I realize, again, that there is no comparison. An apple is an apple and a peach is a peach and both are equally delightful in their own unique ways.

As I reflect on the past 24 hours, I am feeling at peace. Hearing my mom’s words echo in my head, knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. Everything up to this point happened to get me here and everything continues to happen just the way it is supposed to. It’s pretty amazing really when I stop and think about it. If one thing had happened differently, I’d be in a completely different space. I smile knowing that the reason things didn’t happen differently, is because THIS is the space I am meant to be in.

 

 

Day 26 Accountability Challenge

My plans to be productive today went out the window early this morning. I woke up still feeling tired. My daughter went with her Dad around 11:00 this morning and I decided that instead of busting my butt to get my plans for the day done, I needed a time out.

I think I’ve got PMS. Often when it’s this time of the month for me, I become really introverted. I’d rather stay inside and not be around people. I become more emotional, more irritated and generally short fused.

I also tend to be more reflective. My thoughts turn inward and I let them wander. And just like that, it strikes me (although I’ve been thinking about it for the past week) 23 years ago tonight I went through the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I sat through the longest night of my life watching as my mom took her last breaths.

Has it really been 23 years? I can remember it like it happened yesterday.  She had been battling lung cancer, was diagnosed in 1993, had surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation to fight the cancer that had spread to her brain. She lost most of her hair so that only wisps remained. She carried around a portable oxygen tank to help her breath. She was fiercely independent and stubborn. Quality of life is what mattered to her, not quantity.

She entered the hospital for the last time on her and my Dad’s wedding anniversary, August 23rd. We had a family vacation planned that week and she was adamant that we go without her, which we, of course, said no way. I remember walking into her hospital room one day during my lunch break and she didn’t recognize me. My heart broke, not so much for me as I now realize, but for her, she had lost the quality of life she so desperately wanted.

As the weekend approached, the doctor sent us home, he was optimistic she would be released to come back home the following Monday. My youngest sister was just entering her junior year in High School. My older sister had been married for almost 6 months. I was working and living on my own. Our Dad was always quiet about his emotions, never letting us see how he was really feeling.

We lived about 45 minutes from the hospital, so as we left and evening plans were made by everyone, I went home to my parents’ house for the weekend. My Dad was an EMT and First Responder and was out at the local dirt race track with the Ambulance crew when I got the call. When the phone rings at that time of night, you know it’s never good news.

I heard the doctor on the other end of the phone tell me that things didn’t look good, she had gone down hill unexpectantly and we needed to come down right away. I called my older sister and brother-in-law and told them, we called my Grandparents (my mom’s parents) and they called her brother and sister. My Dad and I picked up my younger sister from a friend’s house and we made the 45-minute trek to the hospital. I remember the song- Black Hole Sun playing on the radio and to this day, whenever I hear it, it takes me back to that night.

As we all began to arrive at the hospital, we took shifts sitting with my mom in her room. She was in and out of consciousness, but she knew we were there. As I think back, I remember the feeling of suffocation as I would sit next to her bed, as she fought for her breath. None of us girls could stay with her for extended periods that night, but my brother-in-law never left her side. I have never been more grateful for another person in my life.

My mom’s parents were there, as were her brother and sister. All of the people she loved most in this world, right by her side. One of my last memories of that night/very early morning was walking with my younger sister and Dad to the restroom and to stretch our legs. We had left mom’s room and she was not conscious but her bed was in the upright position, my brother-in-law by her side. As we were rounding the nurse’s station, he met us at her door, he had stepped out for a brief moment and when he returned, my mom had laid her bed down in the sleeping position.

She had told the doctor earlier that evening that she didn’t want to be put on life support, she knew that we would do everything possible to keep her with us, even if, in the end, it would be for naught. So being the unselfish woman that she was, she made that decision for us. She had always preached to us, life quality over quantity. And she knew her time on this earth was coming to an end.

As we all sat surrounding her bed, me, my little sister, my older sister and her husband, my grandparents, aunt and uncle and my Dad, the love of her life, we watched her take her last breath and just like that she was gone. I was numb. We were all numb. As we left her room, we realized it was sunrise, her favorite time of the day.

She loved the quiet morning, just as I now do. She loved her family fiercely, just as I do. She believed and told me all the time that everything happens for a reason. She didn’t want us to grieve and stay stuck in the pain of losing her, she wanted us to remember the lessons she taught us and the unconditional love she shared with us. I think she knew, not long after her first surgery to remove the cancer in her lung, that her days on this earth were numbered. But she never gave up, maybe more so to give us the time we needed to come to terms with what was happening, then for herself.

A few weekends ago, while visiting my sister in my hometown, we pulled out some old VHS home videos. One was of Christmas 1988.  Christmas was my mom’s favorite time of year and to see her and hear her voice made my heart happy. I’ve never forgotten what she sounded like, or what she smelled like or the softness of her skin. I watched my kids watch the video of the grandmother they never had a chance to meet in this life. I know in that moment, as in every moment, she was looking down at all of us and smiling.

I know she is with us daily, I sometimes hear her voice in my head, or a song comes on and it reminds me of her. When I see a random butterfly or bird, I know she is with me. I know she watches over her grandchildren and there are times that in them, I also see her.

Life is such a beautiful, yet painful thing. In the pain, there is also beauty in the recognition that without it, we wouldn’t know what true joy is. As one person takes their last breath, another is taking their first.

As I am taken back to that night, I don’t feel the numbness that I did. I feel grateful that I was given the most loving, unselfish, caring mother. And although my time with her on this earth was limited, I feel her with me every moment.

Shortly after her passing, we found a letter she had written. She wrote a paragraph to each of us, including her brother and sister and mom and dad. She even wrote a paragraph for other friends and family. I have a copy of that letter, which I am sharing below, her part to me and her part to her extended friends and family.

Day 25 Accountability Challenge

I am off balance and a little irritated tonight. I really can only blame myself, so I’ll just vent and get it out and move on. My kids are scheduled to be with their dad this weekend. The weekends with them usually consist of them going over after activities on Friday night and coming home sometime mid-morning Sunday.

Friday night football games started tonight. My ex is the head varsity football coach at our high school.  I get the busyness of it, I lived with coming in second or third to his coaching career for almost 20 years. And our kids have lived it for their entire lives.

Tonight is no different, and while I have gotten used to taking a breath, practicing the pause and letting it go. Tonight I am irritated. I type this as my daughter has fallen asleep on the couch. Last year, Friday night football consisted of the kids going with their dad when the game was over. This season has not started out that way, at least not for our daughter.

And believe me, I understand being a head high school football coach is time-consuming, I get it. But instead of my daughter going to her dad’s tonight, she’ll now be going in the morning. The reason? Her Dad is breaking down film, which from many years of previous experience lasts until the wee hours of the morning after many beverages have been consumed.

This isn’t something that is new, not a chance. And really in the grand scheme of things does it matter whether she went tonight or if she goes tomorrow morning? Not really. But dangit, a parent is a parent 100% of the time, not when they get to pick and choose based on their schedule.

So enough of my rant about this. Like I said, in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t matter at all. So I am practicing the pause, knowing that if I really wanted to force the issue, I could have told him he could take her with him. But I let him have the out, just like I always do when it comes to putting our kids second.

And here I didn’t think I was going to have anything to say tonight. I love my kids with every fiber of my being, but I also cherish the time I get to myself, any amount of time. I am their mother 100% of the time.  I’ll have my “me” time tomorrow afternoon/night and I will enjoy every moment, and when Sunday morning rolls around and my kids walk through the door, I’ll love every moment with them too.

 

Day 24 Accountability Challenge

It’s only 4:00 in the afternoon and I am already writing this blog. This is what I was talking about yesterday, by having my afternoon off again, I have found more time. Time to get the things I normally am rushing to get done at 8:00 p.m., done. It’s a great feeling and I knew I missed this but didn’t realize how much until now.

My day usually consists of getting up at 5:20’ish, to have some “me” time before the kids get up and the hustle bustle of the morning begins. I drop my daughter off at school about 7:30 and then it’s off to work for me.  I like to get places early. When I feel rushed or feel as if I am running late, my anxiety heightens. So while I don’t have to clock in until 8:00, getting to work at 7:30 gives me time to grab my 2 poached eggs and 2 slices of bacon in the cafeteria, get a cup of coffee and a cup of my favorite chewy ice and see what my day looks like, all before the phone starts ringing or I have people stopping in with questions. I am a morning person, I function so much better in the morning than I do later in the day or even night.

Waking up to catch a glimpse of the sunrise gives me a sense of calm, knowing that every day the sun rises, so do I. And on the other end of the spectrum, I love sunsets too. Watching the sun set on the horizon gives me a sense of accomplishment most days.  Not all days, but most days. Knowing that every day I am doing the best I can and the next day will be a different set of “best I can’s.”

Being able to get up each morning, knowing that I can choose how I want my day to go, is a new level of awareness that is finally sinking in. Setting my attitude in the direction of gratitude has been huge for me. There are most certainly days I don’t want to get out of bed to face the day, but those days are rare for me.  Most days I get up after saying my three gratitudes, and I look forward to the connections I’ll make, the lessons I’m bound to learn and the lives I’ll be able to touch.

Being able to center myself in the quietness of the morning has given me a new sense of peace. I know that I am never guaranteed another morning, so when I wake and see the sunrise, I am reminded that it’s up to me to decide how I want to go forward into the day. Do I want to live small and quiet or do I want to live bold and brave? As the sun shall rise with it’s burning brightness, so shall I with my inner light.

 

 

Day 23 Accountability Challenge

Here I am, still plugging away.  Seven days until I hit my 30 Day mark. And then what? I won’t  quit writing. This has been a huge benefit for me personally. It’s like a compass, keeping me focused and aware.

I talked yesterday about the habits I’ve created. I am working on creating a better balance. “Real” work is back to being manageable so I am back to getting an afternoon off each week. This is going to be huge for me. To be able to have uninterrupted 2 or 3 hours each week to catch up or just practice some self-care. I’ve got so many irons in the fire and not enough hours in the day to start and finish any of them. That’s going to change.

I am focusing on being healthy. Overall, mind, body, and soul.  They are all connected.  As I begin to work on little bits of each they will begin to align with each other.

The key to this is ACTION. Without action, there can be no growth or change. And by action, I don’t mean just spinning my wheels, talking about it. I am talking about doing it. Not just talking the talk, but actually walking the walk.

It’s funny how I can start off strong, with great willpower and drive and then life gets in the way and I can come up with 100 excuses. So how do I keep the momentum going? I think it’s by just keeping it in the forefront, checking in by writing. Being aware. Eventually, like I noticed yesterday, I’ll look back and see my progress again. Just because I am not seeing huge changes doesn’t mean there aren’t any. I feel like a broken record because I’ve been talking about this for 23 days.

But you know what, I’ll keep talking about it and anything else that comes up. That’s the beauty of just being me. The showing up and just getting these thoughts out, no matter how many times it takes me saying them.

Progress, not perfection. Perfectly, Imperfect. Not setting such huge expectations, but looking for the experiences and lessons I am learning.

I think we all struggle with balance. Finding a way to manage everyday life. I think the key to finding balance is to stop obsessing about it. The key is to just simply let each day be what it is and to be okay with that. I am not sure there can ever be complete balance in my life, and I am learning to be okay with it. The balance in my life is being open and accepting of the unbalance. Balance isn’t something you find, it’s something you create. By accepting that life is full of imbalance I quit forcing balance and things fall into place as they are meant.

 

 

 

Day 22 Accountability Challenge

“Experts” say it takes 21 Days to Make or Break a habit. I’m on Day 22. Here is what I’ve discovered so far.

At first I couldn’t see any progress, but as I took a minute and thought back on the past 22 Days, I HAVE made progress. I’ve blogged every single day, I’ve rambled and shared my thoughts here and for anyone to read. Those thoughts and feelings I shared were real and raw and off the cuff as I felt them.

I’ve allowed myself to show up, no matter how I feel. Positive or negative, I’ve been honest with myself.

I’ve accepted that the best laid plans often go off track and that it’s okay. There is a reason behind everything that happens.

I’ve acknowledged that the vibes and energy I put out are the same types I am receiving. In essence, change my thoughts and change my vibe.

I’ve given myself grace when I’ve not achieved a certain goal. I remember that life changes are a marathon and not a sprint. The best things in life come at unexpected moments and every detour leads me to a new experience and lesson.

I’ve released things that no longer serve me and have given myself permission to not feel guilty about it.

Am I perfect or do I do these things 100% of the time? Hell no! And that is OK! It’s all about the journey, the bumps in the road and the being stuck in the hallways sometimes. We only stay stuck for as long as it takes for us to prepare for what’s next and in the “stuckness” we are being prepared for the level up that is bound to happen. Because, believe me, we won’t stay stuck forever, the only guarantee in life is change. So as long as there is change, we have unlimited amounts of do-overs and restarts.

So tonight as I reflect back on the past 21 Days I am pretty proud of whatever growth I’ve seen in myself and I know I’ll continue to grow and adjust to whatever is next. I welcome the “what’s next” with CLEAR EYES and a FULL HEART and I know I can’t lose.